Single in South Dakota? A study — and singles — say it might be tough

Tell someone single in South Dakota that the state ranks 44th in a listing of places where you wouldn’t want to be unattached, and let’s just say no one expresses surprise.

“I thought it might be zero,” joked Mitchell resident Lisa Thompson. “So I was surprised it was that high.”

Jason Kimball, a Sioux Falls resident, said of the state’s low ranking: “I totally agree. I don’t know what dating is like in other states. It hasn’t been a great experience here for me being single for the past year.”

According to WalletHub, a personal finance company launched in 2013, Florida is the best state when it comes to dating-friendliness, while West Virginia is the worst at 50th. WalletHub said it compared the 50 states across 29 key indicators, with a data set ranging from the share of single adults and gender balance of singles to restaurants and movie theaters per capita.

South Dakota placed 44th in the percentage of single adults, 48th in the gender balance of singles and 48th in restaurants per capita. Better results came in online-dating opportunities at 34th, median annual household income adjusted for cost of living at 27th and crime rate at 26th.

Take all that with a grain of popcorn salt, however, since South Dakota ranks 27th in movie theaters per capita — more movie screens than restaurants? Seems unlikely.

More rankings: South Dakota is 49th in dating opportunities, second in dating economics — that means we’re a cheap date — and 37th in romance and fun.

All these fun facts come out right before Valentine’s Day, the holiday that licensed therapist, author and speaker Jason Van Ruler describes as the New Year’s Eve for a person’s love life. “It’s the whole ‘where am I, what am I doing, who am I with, where’s it going’ questioning,” he said. “For some people it’s a celebration — they’re in love and connected. For others, it’s a time to think about what they’re missing or what they’d like to have.”

Even the best relationships can have issues, however. There’s outside pressure on Valentine’s Day. People who have what is perceived to be idyllic love lives face much pressure and expectations, taking the enjoyment from the day, Van Ruler said.

For people who aren’t in relationships when Valentine’s Day rolls around, Van Ruler suggests maintaining an even keel about the fact that there are negatives but also positives in that situation. He advises reminding yourself that this might not be the season you want to be in, but there are always positives whatever the season might be.

Learn something from past relationships, he suggests.

“A lot of us are tempted to run to the next thing or not learn from our old relationships,” he said. “The only way past relationships don’t get in the way of your present happiness is that you learn something. You can say, ‘What I learned is I need better boundaries’ or ‘I need to be more authentic or careful in trusting people.’ The only way past relationships will not keep causing us problems is to actually learn from that experience.”

It’s not unusual for Van Ruler to meet with people who have seen old fears surface in new relationships. No one likes to feel vulnerable, he said, yet a relationship won’t start unless that occurs. It can be easier when smaller steps are substituted for grander gestures.

“It takes courage, and don’t make it more complicated than it needs to be,” Van Ruler said.

He isn’t surprised that South Dakota showed up low on a list of states where it can be challenging to be single. In small towns and rural areas, single people already know everyone else in the dating pool. Another challenge can be that South Dakota is a state where many people marry early in life, so working professionals in their 30s might struggle to meet someone yet unmatched.

Dann Ericson, who works in real estate, has lived in South Dakota for 24 years. He was married before and would like to be in a relationship again. He understands why many women proceed cautiously when starting a new relationship — or hesitate to become involved at all.

“Sometimes, guys kind of get a bad reputation a little bit, going after people for the wrong reason,” he said. “I’d like to be in a relationship for the together, the compatibility. Most people want to find their person, right?”

The father of a 14-year-old daughter who lives with him, Ericson knows that can be an issue for some of the women he meets. While he is comfortable doing the Dad and Mom things his daughter needs, he also would like to bring a female figure into her life.

“I’m 53, and I still have a 14-year-old daughter at home,” Ericson said. “Most people in that age bracket are certainly empty nesters. That plays into it a little bit. The older you get, dating is harder. One thing I do experience is that women who have been single for a long time are a lot more independent. They like to do their own thing.”

Ericson has stopped using dating apps because he has found no success on them.

Thompson, a South Dakota native who returned and settled in Mitchell more than two years ago, also has tried online dating with little luck.

“My experience in Minneapolis is we couldn’t even get to the point of going out,” she said. “They wanted to write back and forth but drop things when it gets to the point of an actual date. It seems like most people want to be like pen pals.”

In Mitchell, people’s social life seems to revolve around casinos or bars, when they do go out at all, Thompson said. Divorced for 12 years, she has joined a friendship group for people older than 50 and an online group for singles of all ages.

She has tried to sign up for speed-dating events in Sioux Falls with no success. That’s because the demand among women in the 40 to 59 age group who want to participate is greater than it is for men, Thompson said.

“Every time I see one, I kind of go straight there, and every single time, the women’s section is sold out,” she said. “The men’s section, it can be the day of, and there are openings.”

Thompson appreciates the advantages that accompany being single. She has sons in college in California and Montana, and it’s nice to be able to take a road trip whenever she wants to. At the same time, going on a road trip alone lacks the fun that can come along with companionship.

South Dakotans tend to be introverts, Thompson said. Minnesota ranked 13th overall in the WalletHub survey, although that state has its share of Midwestern introverts too. Still, she’s glad she’s back in South Dakota. The much-ballyhooed trait of “Minnesota nice,” Thompson thinks, is just code for passive-aggressive behavior.

Jason Kimball views Feb. 14 as just another day. He prefers having someone to share it with, but when he doesn’t, like this year, he doesn’t feel sad about it. A lifelong Sioux Falls resident and member of Gen X, Kimball has been actively dating for about the past year.

Technology like dating websites, which supposedly makes finding a partner easier, actually made it worse, Kimball thinks.

“It kind of separates people,” he said. “People are too scared to go out of their comfort zone and meet somebody else. They want to text all day. And if you say one wrong thing, they don’t want to speak to you again.”

People are looking for someone who thinks exactly as they do, Kimball said, leaving little leeway for differing opinions.

It hasn’t been enjoyable being single in South Dakota over the past year, Kimball said. Part of that could be because he makes it clear to prospective partners that marriage isn’t his end goal. He wants to retain his independence — not have to visit five different homes on Thanksgiving Day, for example.

Meeting people online also is hampered by the proliferation of bots.

“One of the first things I say to random people is are you a bot?” Kimball said. “Anybody who’s a human being knows, but the scammers say, ‘What do you mean by bot?’ Even on dating websites, you talk to someone for a week, and they want you to join their Only Fans page. It’s disheartening — they just want to get you to some other website. I don’t fall for scams easy.”

None of the people he has met on dating sites has proved to be a good connection, Kimball said. He meets most people at bars, through friends of friends.

Lakyn Muilenberg returned to South Dakota in 2018, settling in Watertown before coming to Sioux Falls about three years ago. At the age of 30, she finds it difficult to meet new people.

“The age demographic is a challenge,” she said. “People are either already married or deep into a relationship, and raising a family is wonderful and awesome, or I’m finding people come in with broken relationships or are so invested in work or current routines it’s hard to have a functional dating relationship. People are really still partying in my age demographic. There’s a big trend of going out to the bar and not just on weekends.”

An asset when it comes to being single in South Dakota is that with a smaller population, it is easy to find mutual connections. That sometimes can be a good thing, Muilenberg said, because you know someone who enjoys the prospective partner’s company and knows their character.

South Dakota’s middle-of-the-pack ranking in crime also can be seen as a good thing, Muilenberg said.

“You worry about someone’s background. As a woman, it can be kind of scary,” she said. “Anything could happen. I try not to think about those things.”

It has been a month since her last date, although Muilenberg said she goes on dates regularly. She primarily meets people through the internet, although she laments the loss of face-to-face connections.

“I think a lot of times relationships could be hindered by social media,” she said. “Also, it’s knowing the people you’ve met on a dating app, they could be having that same date with someone else tomorrow. I go on a date Friday night with Joe, Joe could be going on a date with another girl tomorrow. Maybe he’s got four or five different matches. You’re put in this pool of women instead of that person exclusively dating you.”

While Muilenberg puts Valentine’s Day into the class of “corny” holidays, it also serves as a reminder that good relationships are out there.

Michael O’Connor is a relative newcomer to South Dakota. Born in the state, he grew up in Sioux City. He moved to Sioux Falls about two and a half years ago for work reasons.

O’Connor said he has been in and out of relationships but never married. He thinks South Dakota’s long winters can make it difficult to meet people for those who don’t enjoy snow sports. He looks for people who enjoy doing what he enjoys.

“I like to take part in volunteer stuff,” O’Connor said. “I find a lot of success with meeting people as far as people who have the same interests, but I don’t drink or go to bars. I like art, cultures, the outdoors quite a bit.”

He has investigated speed dating, too, but as an early riser, weeknights don’t fit into his schedule. He finds it easier to connect with relationships when he visits larger cities. O’Connor, who is Native American, doesn’t think that plays any role in his search for a long-term partner.

The worst part about dating today, he said, is the political divisions that are splitting the country. That, and the pressure online dating places on partners.

“You have a lot of thirsty men out there that are messaging anybody and everybody,” he said. “That sways the dating pool for guys like me. I do very well in person, but I don’t take much interest in the online dating thing, and that seems to be what any people do, do.”

O’Connor’s birthday coincides with Valentine’s Day. He plans to spend both events quietly.

“I just kind of act like it’s no big deal, but I do feel lonely on Valentine’s Day,” he said. “But I kind of act like it’s no big deal and get myself through it. I’ll probably just be thankful for another year and make myself some yearly resolutions and hope in the next coming year I’ll be in love. That’s what I really hope for.”