Father lost to cancer months after adopting family of children

Matt and Michelle Wenge knew since the first year of their marriage that Michelle’s chronic kidney disease could bring an abrupt end to their future.

Instead of living in fear, they chose to live their lives lovingly, loudly and with a good kind of chaos, as their friend Mathia Rall describes it.

And when they learned that Matt would be the one to die first, weeks after they finalized plans to adopt five siblings, they saw no reason for change.

In fact, they could joke about it.

“Every plan we made for the contingency of our family involved me going first,” Michelle Wenge said after her 49-year-old husband’s death Saturday of pancreatic cancer that had metastacized to other organs. “When he got bad, I said: ‘This is not our agreement. I’m the sick one.’ He said, ‘You know how much I like to win.’”

Matt had swagger, friend Joan Stahl said. The three met when they were all 19 years old.

“He made you feel like you were the most important person in the world,” she said.

Stories on Facebook both before and after Matt’s death highlight his humor and his humanity: singing karaoke, getting help with high school math homework, his red-haired mullet, his willingness to be a substitute dad on a trip to Disney World, his willingness to be vulnerable in a Daring Greatly workshop, his willingness to help whenever needed.

Fatherhood may have come to Matt later in life, but it was a role he embraced whole-heartedly. Much of Michelle’s childhood was spent in foster care, and while they took on the role of foster parents, the Wenges were determined to provide any child with a much better experience.

Andre’s first appearance in their life was brief. Less than 24 hours after the teenager was placed in their care, he ran away. He was the oldest of five siblings, and the Wenges wanted to make sure the children, all in different placements, were OK. They invited them over for a sibling day, and when the foster care system sought someone to take in all four, the Wenges said yes.

The younger four children — Chris, 17, Kailey, 14, Paul, 13, and Aloysius, 6 — were adopted Dec. 20. It was their decision, Michelle said. “We wanted them to be able to choose.” Matt had begun feeling unwell in October, but it didn’t slow the plans. It was too important.

Adopting the children allows the couple to take them on trips outside the state. It allows them to be left with other family and friends, not just another foster parent. It puts them on the adoptive parents’ insurance plan.

Most importantly? “We love them,” Michelle said.

In October, when Andre asked to come home, the Wenges agreed, if he followed the family’s rules. He said yes, and his adoption is scheduled to be finalized this month. Andre turned 18 on Saturday, the day Matt died. South Dakota recently changed its rules allowing the adoption of youths 18 and older.

Now, Michelle Wenge will be a single parent, her name the only one officially on the forms. She will raise the children with the memory of Matt’s love, laughter and chaos.

Michelle and Matt met in high school, forming a solid friendship. She volunteered with the American Red Cross. When she put a donation canister at the Hardee’s restaurant at The Empire Mall, she came across Matt, who worked there. Later, a friend brought him to a high school graduation party. They talked more than three hours that first night.

Michelle was homeless after graduating from high school, having aged out of the foster system. Matt’s parents would let her sleep in the basement on weekends as she commuted to classes at the University of South Dakota. Matt’s mother did her laundry.

“I’ve been friends with his family for 30 and some years,” she said.

They reconnected in 2005. She served as a juvenile corrections officer when they were dating and now is a self-employed mental health therapist. Matt earned a bachelor’s degree in psychology and was a self-taught computer programmer working for Meta Payment Systems.

In 2008, during the financial crisis, he decided to return to school for a master’s degree in acting. He became a familiar face in area theater productions and appeared in television commercials.

“The thing about Matt, he was an adult and an incredibly intelligent man,” Michelle said. “But he was able to bring the same kind of excitement that children have on Christmas morning to every day. Whether it was music or movies or a fact he heard, he would get so excited.”

Matt collected Funko Pop figures, those big-headed copies of famous people and characters. He enjoyed the Marvel Universe and had a passion for Pearl Jam. He was proud of his eight years in recovery, and even when the medical reports were dire, he refused to take another drink.

Rall met Michelle in 2015. She described the Wenges as a great pair, yin and yang. Matt’s tendency to live life in the clouds benefited from Michelle’s grounding.

Sometimes people misinterpreted their relationship, Michelle said. Since she has such a strong personality, people assumed she was the boss. They assumed wrong, she said.

“He was always the boss. I never steamrolled that man,” Michelle said. “He was strong and generous and kind and loving.”

Matt and Michelle played a big game in life, she said. That won’t change.

“Playing a big game in life means we’re up to it, we’re up to the challenge,” Michelle said. “We like living large. You have big breakdowns and big breakthroughs when you do that.”

Matt requested that his body be donated to science. A celebration of life service will be held.

How you can help

Michelle Wenge has a chronic kidney disease, and son Paul is a type 1 diabetic. The family’s health insurance came through Matt Wenge’s employment. Friends have started a GoFundMe account for the Wenges to help with expenses.